Sunday, July 30, 2006

Tell it to Air America before your career goes Apocalypto

I'm going to christen your statement FairyTale: a True Story. Lies are a lethal weapon, Mel. And your pile of bullshit is just a chicken run.
Ok, no, it's a load of bullshit, if you were actually a lifelong alcoholic, you wouldn't turn into a rageaholic when you're at 0.12%, because that's barely even over the real limit (not the illusory South Dakota v. Dole .08 limit that was railroaded through by MADD that accomplishes nothing) You, with your newfound lifelong drinking problem, should have a tolerance greater than that of an infant, you should at least be able to handle a tequila sunrise now and then. You were acting about as stable as a bird on a wire at 0.12%. I'd expect something a little better from anyone, because at 0.12%, you're barely intoxicated, you're not exactly taking on the role of the Road warrior or turning barrel roles like Maverick in top gun. You're barely even doing battle with remaining conscious. At 0.12, you should still be able to observe basic road signs.

You're clearly an anti-semite, which is comforting to know that the council of Elders actually had a point with the whole Passion of the Christ thing. This is good payback, frankly. And intoxication is no excuse, you don't become a different person when you're drunk, you become you in a more revealed fashion. Moreover, let's tear away the facade, how dumb are you? Do you really figure in the town of Los Angeles that there's that many Jewish police officers? Even your concocted theory of the Jews being out to get you doesn't even make sense for a concocted theory of ethnic inferiority. The KKK would be like "hey, Mel, back off, there's not a whole lot of Goldbergs on the highway patrol". There's no Julius Epstein, the singing detective. At least their theories involve banking, law, or Hollywood...and let me assure you, each is an infinitely more plausible ethnic Conspiracy theory than your own, sir. I only hope that the substance of your statements makes it to the mainstream media, so it can be reported about Mel's statements making this the year of living dangerously.

Lastly, I am officially issuing a decree that in the Court of my opinion, a confession to being an alcoholic is admissible as proof that you are not an alcoholic, but are trying to excuse yourself from obedience to societal mores and laws. (See also Eustachy, Larry) Actual alcoholics don't have the time nor the desire to call press conferences to announce their drinking problem, because they're concerned with other things. Or they're in denial. So...if we're playing Who's the Alcoholic?...David Hasselhoff might be, Mel Gibson decidedly is not. But I guess you're a braveheart who can reveal your problems to the world...that's what your average drunk is apparently missing?

So why the lies? Is it what women want? Is it to keep the paparazzi at bay?

PS: If you want anything from Dublin or London...when you get to Canada, turn right and then keep going. :) If you get to Gallipoli, you've gone too far.

PSS: By the way, yes, I do deserve a Pulitzer, and half of the award money will be donated to the IMDb.

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