Roger Clemens discovered to have used performance-enhancing soap in late 1980s.
A letter from representatives of former Clemens personal trainer Brian McNamee implicated three-time Cy Young winner Roger Clemens of involvement in a number of efforts to secure performance-enhancing substance.
The letter stated "Roger Clemens has used steroids and human growth hormone for a number of years. However, perhaps of even greater concern to baseball is the revelation that Clemens has been using performance-enhancing consumer products since his meteoric rise into the big leagues in the second half of the 1980s." McNamee offered as proof this recently-revealed video of Roger Clemens using performance-enhancing soap.
"While other major league players have played with various levels of soap film limiting their movement and performance, Mr. Clemens has effectively washed his body clean of residue and film, giving him an unfair advantage over the 99% of major leaguers who are left to cope with Lifebuoy, Irish Spring, and whatever soaps they scavenge from road hotels."
"Perhaps more alarming is the fact that Mr. Clemens was aware of the implications of using performance-enhancing soap and took care to dub another person's singing voice in over his own into the inexplicable video," the letter continued.
Congress has not announced whether they will pursue charges against Clemens or P&G Labs, the purported creator of the performance-enhancing soap known as "Zest" (believed to be short for Zinc Ethyl Steroidal Tetrazone). Upon advice from ousted New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, the IRS is attempting to contact the nude women appearing in the video to confirm whether Clemens is, in fact, the man known as "Client 9".
Clemens declined the opportunity to respond to reports that he was "Zestfully clean".